Blanca has been in therapy for the past few days, her hopes for a run against Hillary dashed against the rocks. I hit bottom on Tuesday, when watching John McCain's aphasia-driven spastic-filled talk fest in what appeared to be a green high school gymnasium, MSNBC cut away to show a sports arena filled with thousands of cheering supporters hinged on every hope-inspired word of Barack Obama. Thankfully they then went to the Hillary Denial Fest '08, which at least gave me, if not hope, at least a few moments of pure escapism.
When I get to feeling as low as Britney Spears' knockers in 50 years, I take a moment to reflect and take inventory, reasserting once again why I am a Republican. So here are some guidelines to what you must believe in order to be a good Republican.
If you are a Republican, you must believe that the troops completely support the War in Iraq, and that they line up with pleasure to go to Baghdad, but you must also believe that if they were given educational benefits, those traitors would go AWOL in order to attend a four-year state school in Indiana.
If you are a Republican, you must rail against tax breaks for farmers, but you must fully support tax breaks for billion-dollar oil companies.
If you are a Republican, you believe that Ollie North is an American hero for trading weapons with Iran, but you must think that Barack Obama is an appeaser for wanting to talk with Iran.
If you are a Republican, you must agree that William Ayers is a convicted terrorist and that anyone associated with him is guilty by association, but you must embrace Hal Turner as a great American and support him by giving him free air time on your radio show.
If you are a Republican, you don't believe we an afford millions for education, but spending billions on a war is money well-spent.
If you are a Republican, you must believe that all government regulation of industry is harmful, but you must fully-enforce government regulation of sexual practices.
If you are a Republican, you must believe in the oil pricing bubble, but believe there is no such thing as a housing pricing bubble.
If you are a Republican, you must support a bailout of Bear Stearns at taxpayer expense, but you cannot do anything to stop more than one million houses from going into foreclosure.
If you are a Republican, you must believe in the free market when it comes to health care, but you we must prevent competition at all costs when it comes to contractors like Halliburton.
If you are a Republican, you must believe in the sanctity of life, but you must support the death penalty, the war, and free guns for everyone.
If you are a Republican, you must be against hate crimes legislation, but you must protest "hate crimes" against Christians.
If you are a Republican, you must insist that this is a Christian nation, and that we must put God back into government, but you must insist on a separation of church and state whenever one of your candidates has a goofy religion or a scary pastor.
This is why I am still a Republican after all these years. It is quite remarkable how I have been able to suppress my gag reflex for the past seven years and have essentially turned off the left side of my brain years ago.
But make no mistake, I am not voting for McCain. It is Bob Barr all the way!
by Blanca DeBree
Want more Blanca? Try these recent posts from the BlancaSphere:
* Michelle Obama's "Whitey" Video
* Hillary Clinton Blames Failures on Sexism
Source: What it Means to be a Republican