Bullies and Cyber Bullies: How to Protect You and Your Kids

Bully Proof Your Child For Life

DBKP Interview with Author Dr. Joel Haber

Whereas years ago, kids would write their anonymous gossip on bathroom walls, now they’ve found a way to send their nastiness to a much wider audience.

The newest and potentially most dangerous form of bulling, “cyberbullying,” is growing so fast, it is proving difficult for researchers and therapists to keep up.

A new study just reported that cyberbullying among teens and preteens has increased by 50% in the last 5 years.

--Dr. Joel Haber, "The Bully Coach" on Cyber Bullies

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DBKP Talks to Dr. Joel Haber about how to protect your kids from Bullies, Cyber Bullies and His New Book, "BullyProof Your Child For Life".

The DBKP Interview Room Today we talk to nationally-known "Bully Coach", Dr. Joel Haber, about his new book, "Bullyproof Your Child for Life". Our guests today include TherapyDoc from "Everyone Needs Therapy" and Fighter from "Cyberpaths", along with Little Baby Ginn and Mondoreb from Death by 1000 Papercuts. Mondoreb: Hi Dr. Haber! Welcome to The DBKP Interview Room. Dr. Joel Haber: Hello everybody. Thanks for giving me this opportunity. Mondoreb: Okay, Joel, let's get to it. If you had one thing to tell a parent about protecting their kids from bullies, what would it be? Joel Haber: Bully Prevention can be summed up with one factor that remains pretty constant: The way a child responds to bullying events will determine whether those events repeat or escalate. A child who can laugh it off, walk away, and feel good about him- or herself anyway is not likely to become a long-term target. On the other hand, the likelihood of further attacks increases the more emotional the child becomes in reaction to the bullying. Mondoreb: So Mom's advice to "just ignore them them" wasn't bad? Dr. Haber: A child who gets angry, cries, pouts, whines, or runs to a teacher is probably going to be harassed time and again. TherapyDoc: Have you ever heard of the story, " The Boy with the Funny Laugh"? Dr. Joel Haber: It’s a really good story to get us to think about our behavior and reflect on what our role is in the bullying dynamic. I like it a lot. Little Baby Ginn: Is passive aggressive bullying harder to deal with than overt bullying? Joel Haber: Absolutely, because passive aggressive bullying is “indirect” which makes it more difficult to see, hear, or handle. Indirect bullying involves things like gossiping behind people’s backs, eye rolls, or exclusion which may not be easy to see. Mondoreb: Earlier, before the interview, you outlined a few helpful tips for parents to keep their kids safe on-line from cyber bullies. Would you mind repeating a few of those.again, please? Joel Haber: First of all, parents need to learn some of the shorthand that their kids are using. POS [parent over shoulder] (a good beginning so parents can speak the lingo). 1-Remind kids that the Internet is not face to face, and you never know who you are speaking to, so watch what you say (once you press the send key, you can’t take it back). 2-Tell kids to treat others like you would your favorite grandmother and watch what they say if it may hurt others. Being mean, or threatening to others online may be a crime, so you need to be very careful, and parents need to teach their kids how to be responsible online. 3-Encourage your kids to let you know if they ever get threatened online, so the parent can report the abuse to a governing agency. Fighter: Our site deals with adult on adult predation (and of course bullying once the prey gets a little too suspicious or exposes them...) Is there anything from your book, any advice, that would be helpful to someone who's being bullied because they became suspicious of someone's on-line behavior? Joel Haber: Try to document all the evidence you have, and see if you can get support for your ideas. Documentation keeps the behavior very objective and avoids a shouting match! See if you can get others to join you- when you’re with others who support you, there is less likelihood to be bullied and it helps you keep perspective even if the bullying gets emotional. TherapyDoc: Has it ever back-fired, telling a patient (or child) to be assertive with a bully; meaning, did your advice ever get a person beat up? Joel Haber: Being assertive can put you in danger, so I don’t always suggest that. I suggest that we know our kids, and teach them skills to make them less targetable. Sometimes that involves assertion, and sometimes it involves showing less emotion. Ginn: Any tips on how do you handle a passive-aggressive bully? Joel Haber: When you see passive-aggressive behavior, call them out on it, and ask if you did anything to make them mad? If not, ask them why they are behaving that way. Mondoreb: How long have you been working on the book? Did it take you awhile to do it? Joel Haber: I have worked for years on this book. I feel proud of it and think this will be the last resource parents will need to help their children to manage bullying issues. FIGHTER: What model of home/ upbringing would a bully come from? Narcissistic or sociopathic parent? Other? Joel Haber: Bullies actually come from families with what we call an authoritarian style- one parent who always wins, gets his/her way, and the other parent who also loses conflicts. In these homes, kids observe that bullying and aggression win! Or, the kids get scared off from the bullying and they side with the losing parent: creating kids who are afraid of conflict and become targets. So- a sociopathic parent can create a bullying kid, but the power imbalance at home creates the problems for kids either as bullies or victims. Mondoreb: Is there anybody that is hopeless? I mean, do you think your book or the techniques described in it--and which you've had years of experience with--would help everyone? Or are there a few people out there who are not bully proof? Joel Haber: Nobody is really hopeless- because all kids can learn something to help them become Bullyproof. Some special needs kids, though, may have problems learning lots of strategies, but one good one may be enough. If a kid can’t learn, then the adults or peers around them need to learn how to step up and help out the kid who is lacking in skills. Mondoreb: Okay, that's about all the time we have. Thanks to TherapyDoc and Fighter for joining Little Baby Ginn and myself to talk to "The Bully Coach", Dr. Joel Haber, about how to keep kids safe. It's all in his new book, "BullyProof Your Child For Life". Thanks Dr. Haber. Joel Haber: My pleasure, I enjoyed it.

ORDER BULLYPROOF from AMAZON: BullyProof Your Child for Life
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VISIT THE WEBSITE: www.bullyproofchild.com

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

"Dr. Joel Haber, Ph.D is a clinical psychologist who has devoted more than twenty years to preventing abusive behaviors in children and adults, as well as consulting across the country to schools, camps and sports teams, teaching children how to handle being bullied and adults how to prevent it."

"He is known as "The Bully Coach" and is the official Bullying Consultant to the American Camp Association. In this book, he offer parents his practical and proven technique for stamping out bullying once and for all."

"He wrote this book to help you and your kids deal with these issues!"

"Bully Proof" presents a three-step program to address bullying everywhere it happens, and also breaks new ground in the latest alternative environments where the problem is on the rise (school, sports, camp, online).

by Mondoreb
[images: joelhaber;victimservicesbrant]



Death by 1000 Papercuts Front Page.

Cyber-Bully Quiz: Are You a Cyber-Bully?

Cyber-harassment, cyber-stalking, cyber-group bully, cyber-Gossip: all of these categories fall under the tactics of a cyber-bully.

Here is a quiz, take it and see it you’re a cyber-bully or if you've ever pulled some other cyber-bullying tactics during your time on-line.

Have you ever done this?

1.Signed on with someone else’s nic and password to get information.

While this does not seem like cyber-bullying if this information was to be used for ill-will, then, yes, it is cyber-bullying.

2. Sent an email or online greeting card from someone else’s account.

Again, some may claim that this is not cyber-bullying, if the email or online greeting is used to stalk or harass someone, then it falls under cyber-bullying.

3. Forwarded a private IM or email without permission.

This could be construed as a “grey” area. After all, it’s merely passing on a private email or IM and some would argue as fairly innocuous.

It boils down to intent.

Was the private conversation/email sent to someone or others with the intent to spread gossip or do harm? While most likely the victim may never know their communication has been forwarded to others, this is still harmful to that person. This is not direct cyber-bullying, more like back-stabbing cyber-bullying tactics.

4. Hacked into someone’s PC

Not only is this cyber-bullying but also cyber-stalking and illegal. A 33-yr-old man in Florida was just sentenced to prison for 110 years after being convicted of hacking into MySpace teenaged girl’s PC’s. He threatened to harm to them or their families if they didn’t send him lewd photos. MySpace: Teenaged Girl’s Profiles Hacked by Predator

5. Sent a virus or Trojan Horse?

This is malicious behavior with intent to do harm.

6. Posted rude, nasty or vicious comments about someone online

Back to intent. Some blogs or forums can get heated and contentious but if someone’s intent is to solely post rude, nasty or vicious comments about another poster then this is cyber-bullying and cyber-gossiping. The Jewish terms referring to gossip are Lashon Hara and Hotzaa Diba:

"Lashon" is translated as "language" or "tongue". The word is generally translated as "evil speech". It is true that the concept of lashon hara is regarding true and correct statements. Lies and false and exaggerated information fall into a worse category called Hotzaat Diba, or derogatory/slanderous or defamatory speech which is, in fact, worse than lashon hara in many ways.
[Reference.com]

7. Teased or frightened someone during IM chats

Teasing that goes over the line, that is meant to chip away someone’s self-esteem. The victim cries foul, the perpetrator claims “teasing.” Boo! (Not that kind of fright) Frightening someone can mean making threats to do harm.

8. Joined in a clique on a blog or chatroom that enjoyed driving other posters offsite

Not often talked about are the “community” blogs or chatrooms where “like-minded” posters form cliques. Part of their activities are to single out other posters for the sole purpose of driving the target off the site. This is often done in the guise of “for the good of the blog or chatroom.”

9. Accused someone of a crime online without proof

The person who is unfairly accused of committing a crime online usually has nowhere to turn. The accusers are for the most part, anonymous, the “accusation” gets spread without proof. An attorney has been fighting the website, “Don’tDateHimGirl.com” over anonymous posters who posted nasty stories about him. Attorney Sues Website That Claimed He Was a Cheater

10. Followed someone across the Web

Kept track of other online posters, following them from blog to blog, chatroom to chatroom, blog to blog. This is a form of soft-core Cyber-stalking. Not the same as showing up at their door but enough to creep anyone out.

Did you answer "yes" to any of these?

Only you know the answer to that question. If you did, maybe it was a one-time occurrence. Only you know the answer to that one, too.

If you were guilty of any of these actions, you should think about changing your behavior.

Unless you want to be a cyber-bully.

By LBG
[image: www.danimaton.com]

RESOURCES:
Want to learn more on cyber-bullies, their tactics and some things you can do to protect yourself? Start with these two sites.
Cyber Bullies
Exposing On-line Predators and Cyberpaths



Death by 1000 Papercuts Front Page.