Sunday, November 4, 2007

Death By 1000 Papercuts:

Ultimate Political Cage Match

1st Round DBKP Cage Match Action!

Rudy "The MAYOR Of MAYHEM" Giuliani
Duncan "DUNKIN' DEATH" Hunter

The Setting: The Death by 1000 Papercuts Polit-O-Drome
The Announcers: Mondoreb & Little Baby Ginn
The Rules: 3-question Texas Death Debate Style

MONDOREB:Welcome to the DBKP Politodrome and today's Giuliani-Hunter 1st Round Match. It's a full house for DBKP Political Cage Match action. Scalpers were getting $400 a ticket outside the arena. That's $158.09 in 1980 dollars, in case you were thinking "tickets were a lot cheaper back in my day".

LITTLE BABY GINN:I was too young to count in 1980. I hadn't hit my prime yet. But the Mayor of Mayhem looks to be in his prime today--prime fighting shape. He really looks dangerous today, Mondo. "Dunkin' Death" Hunter is a decided underdog, but look for him to hammer Giuliani on the social issues. If Rudy has a weak spot, that'd have to be it.

MONDO: The referee today is Mayor Mikey Bloomberg of New York City. Bloomberg was originally scheduled to be a Cage Match participant, Ginn, but as you know, came in heavy at the weigh-ins and didn't make the weight.

GINN: I talked to someone in the Bloomberg entourage this morning. They said the mayor's problems stemmed from one too many waffles.

MONDO: Oh ho! Waffles? It'll be interesting to see the Clinton weigh-in tomorrow. We're just about ready here for the first round to begin.

Illegal aliens continue to funnel directly into many of our local communities and adversely impact our way of life by overwhelming our schools, inundating our health care system and, most concerning, threatening our safety.
MONDO: Hunter starts with an illegal alien punch.
The MAYOR Of MAYHEM Guiliani:
I had 400,000 illegal immigrants, roughly, in NYC. And I had a city that was the crime capital of America. I didn't have the luxury of political rhetoric. So I said: If you are an illegal immigrant in NYC & a crime is committed against you, I want you to report it. My policies led to a city that was the safest large city in the country, so they must have been sensible policies.
Source: 2007 GOP debate at UNH, sponsored by Fox News Sep 5, 2007
GINN: The Mayor slips the punch and catches DD in a Safe City Scissor. Wow! What footwork!
"If I have a judicial candidate in front of me who can look at a sonogram of an unborn child and not see a valuable human life, I will not appoint that candidate to the federal bench."
Ginn: Rudy's hit and he's hit hard! Hunter fires off a Human Life Haymaker and catches the Guiliani squarely in the stomach! The mayor might be in trouble here. It looks like he's having trouble breathing!
Mondo: Not as much trouble as a 2nd-term fetus, Ginn.
The MAYOR Of MAYHEM Guiliani:
I believe the best way we can have common ground in this debate that you're hearing is if we put our emphasis on reducing abortions and increasing the number of adoptions, which is something that I did as mayor of New York City. But I think ultimately that decision that has to be made is one that government shouldn't make. Ultimately, a woman should make that with her conscience and ultimately with her doctor.
Source: 2007 GOP Iowa Straw Poll debate Aug 5, 2007
Mondo: Giuliani got out of trouble, but he's still hurt.
Ginn: Yeah, Hunter's gotta be feeling pretty good now; he's still in this thing.
In September 2007 I voted "Yes" for a bill in which schools forfeit funds if they expose kids to gay propaganda."
MONDO: Hunter's going for it all! The Gay Pride Pretzel! Rudy's gotta be thinking this is a drag!
My decision to reduce funding for the Brooklyn Museum of Art after it
displayed sexually explicit cutouts and a portrait of the Madonna defiled with elephant dung was hysterically opposed by the New York elite. The politically correct never envisioned that people could in good faith have a difference of opinion about whether public money ought to be used to desecrate a religious image. There was an important First Amendment issue at stake. I believed that the mayor should never have the right to stop anyone from making a statement of any kind. People have a right to free expression. If they were to create offensive art on their own property, using their own funds, and someone were to attack them for doing it, the mayor would
be obliged to protect them, and so would the police. But I believe there is a difference between protecting someone's right to desecrate a religious image and being required to fund that desecration using tax dollars from the very people it offends.
Source: Leadership, autobiography by Rudolph Giuliani, p.225-226 Oct 1, 2002
GINN: A stunning comeback! Giuliani pulls off a Religious Icon Kamikaze! Truly magnificent!
Mondo: I have to agree, Ginn. Everybody loves an underdog and Hunter showed surprising power here today. But you have to hand it to Rudy. His ability to slip Hunter's big punches was key. Still, it has to be closer than most people expected.
GINN: And now the judges' decision and I'd like to remind our viewers that the judges decisions are FINAL!

[JUDGES DECISION: Rudy "The Mayor of Mayhem" Giuliani" over Duncan "Dunkin' Death" Hunter 2-1]

GINN: Rudy the winner! He'll take on the winner of Mitt "The Maulin' Mormon" Romney and Mike "The Heartless" Huckabee in the Quarterfinals. That's it for this Round 1 action. Rudy came out on top. Be sure to be here for our next match: Hillary "Cacklin'" Clinton vs. "Invisible" Mike Gravel.
MONDO: Until then, have a safe trip back home.

Duncan Hunter's thunderous offensive quotes were supplied by Duncan Hunter quotes
On the Issues

by Mondoreb & Little Baby Ginn


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