HAPPY THOUGHTS

by Trigger Girlie
Today, as I was filling out one of those tedious employee benefits packets, I stumbled upon something unpleasant and depressing: accidental death/dismemberment insurance. How many of us want to think about our premature demise brought on by someone spilling their Gatorade inside a fax machine? Or an improperly installed ceiling fan? Or a stale donut left over from yesterday's corporate party?

A malfunctioning elevator, anyone?

However unsettling, it is not the death but the "dismemberment" part that sends shivers down my spine every time I read about this policy. Hopefully, unless you work at a factory, have Jeffrey Dahmer as a coworker, or get invited as a Republican co-host for The View, your chances of getting dismembered at work are pretty slim.

Yet, still I am trying to figure out what can possibly go wrong at my workplace that will leave me feeling scattered and not all together as a whole. Will my office window come crushing down on my head, acting as a guillotine? Or will my hand get transformed into Angel hair pasta in tomato sauce by our paper shredder?

Then comes another question, which comes to mind to any hospitality industry worker: if an axe wielding homicidal maniac gets a hold of you at your workplace, would that be considered death OR disfigurement? Or perhaps both? And can you be eligible for that insurance anyways, since its not really accidental?

Visions of gore (not Al, but equally frightening) flashed in my mind as I pondered on this unsettling reminder of our own mortality. A vision of Grim Reaper sitting on top of a copier, smirking while making copies of his butt, and looking around in attempts to find his next victim came to mind.

I guess next time I microwave my lunch, I'll make sure I take off the aluminum foil first.

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