Hillary "Cacklin'" Clinton
Mike "The Invisible Man" Gravel
The Setting: The Death by 1000 Papercuts Polit-O-Drome
The Announcers: Mondoreb & Little Baby Ginn
The Rules: 3-question Texas Death Debate Style
MONDOREB: Welcome to the DBKP Polit-o-drome and today's Clinton-Gravel 1st Round Match. Once again, it's looking like a full house for DBKP Political Cage Match action. Scalpers were only getting $290 a ticket outside the arena. That's over $200 less than our last Match between the "The Mayor of Mayhem" Giuliani and "Dunkin Death" Hunter. What do make of that, Ginn? "Cacklin" Clinton usually pulls a good crowd.
LITTLE BABY GINN: Well, I don't think it's the Clinton supporters. You know they're going to show. But it's a long way from Alaska to the Polit-O-Drome. Gravel might not have much of the crowd behind him here today.
MONDO: Gravel's supporters might not have much to cheer for: "The Invisible Man" is a decided underdog in today's match. Your referee today is once again Mayor Mikey Bloomberg of New York City. We're almost ready to go. Any last thoughts about today's matchup, Ginn?
GINN: Don't count Gravel out. He's solid and I think he'll bother Clinton from the Left. Expect him to throw a lot from that direction today.
MONDO: OK, buckle up! We're ready for this one to start up!
[DING! DING! DING!]
"INVISIBLE" Mike Gravel: We have to address the whole drug issue. I see no reason between marijuana and booze or alcohol, and there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to go to a liquor store and buy marijuana. It has recuperative powers.MONDO: Gravel starts out working high. I think that's bothering Clinton.
Source: 2007 HRC/LOGO debate on gay issues Aug 9, 20
GINN: The Legal Drugs Dropkick always makes Clinton uncomfortable. She already looks winded.
MONDO: Then she could be in trouble because I don't think she inhales either.
Hillary "CACKLIN'" Clinton:GINN: Hillary comes up lame and now she's got Gravel in the clinches. She's not letting go.
We need diversion, like drug courts. Non-violent offenders should not be serving hard time in our prisons. They need to be diverted from our prison system. We need to make sure that we do deal with the distinction between crack and powder cocaine. And ultimately we need an attorney general and a system of justice that truly does treat people equally.
Source: 2007 Democratic Primary Debate at Howard University Jun 28, 2007
MONDO: She was smart to lock it up; Gravel mighta got her against the ropes on that one. Bloomberg steps between them and breaks it up. Is Gravel smiling? What's going on there?
GINN: He's taunting her, Mondo! Gravel's pointing and mocking her to try and hit him!
MONDO: He's showing some fire--and that seems to be confusing Clinton. The small band of Gravel supporters is going nuts!
"INVISIBLE" Mike Gravel:GINN: He's got her in an Unfair Crime Cruncher. I don't think she was expecting this Libertarian onslaught from the "Invisible Man"! Clinton's hurtin' for certain now. Mondo, we could have a 1st Round upset brewing!
Because so much crime is the product of people who were in prison, an obvious means of reducing crime is to drastically reduce our prison population. That can be done, at no danger to society, almost overnight. How? By eliminating a whole host of common social activities from the law's list of "crimes."
Common activities for which we now punish people--so-called "victimless-crimes" because they affect no one but the participant--include drinking, prostitution, gambling, homosexuality, use of certain drugs. What is the point of jailing people for these practices? What more towering hypocrisy, what more potent breeder of total disrespect for the law can there be than these "crimes," which are practiced by millions of citizens, but for which only a few are singled out for punishment?
Victimless crimes are a peril to our health only in so far as they are classified as crimes. Some 51% of criminal arrests in 1970 were for victimless crimes. We could very nearly empty our jails by abolishing them.
Source: Citizen Power, by Sen. Mike Gravel, p.214-215 Jan 1, 1972
MONDO: Hillary's looking to her corner for help. Looks like Bill, her manager, is distracted by a Paris Hilton lookalike in the third row, Ginn.
GINN: That oughta fire her up, for sure.
Hillary "CACKLIN'" Clinton:MONDO: OH NO! She hit him with a low blow!
"Goddamn stupid fucking fool!"
"Stay the f**k back, stay the f**k away from me! Don't come within ten yards of me, or else!"GINN: Oh my God! Did you see that?!?! She did it again! Clinton hit Gravel low again and then threatened him! The "Invisible Man"'s hurt and hurt bad!
MONDO: I've never seen anything like it, Ginn! Two low blows in a row! That oughta be a point.
GINN: Thank God, the ref IS deducting a point from Clinton's score. And checking out Gravel. He's hurt, Mondo.
MONDO: Losing one point isn't going to help Gravel any if he can't continue.
Hillary "CACKLIN'" Clinton:
"Come on Bill, put your dick up! You can't f**k her here!!"
GINN: She's obviously upset with her manager. Somebody better get her calmed down or she's gonna get disqualified!
MONDO: Fat chance, Ginn, it happened right at the end of the round.
The Invisible Man WAS doing so well, too; he's still doubled over in pain from those two HARD low blows. I don't know if he's gonna come out for the last round.
GINN: Looks like Clinton's calming down. Gravel definitely does not look good.
"INVISIBLE" Mike Gravel:MONDO: Gotta hand it to Gravel: he's a gamer. He's not backing down, crippled crotch or not! He's trying to get Clinton in the Habeus Corpus Cross of Death!
During one of the debates I mentioned that my fellow Democratic candidates scare me. Hillary's speech last week to the Take Back America conference gives me yet another reason to be afraid.
In an indignant voice she decried the Bush administration's ''stunning record of secrecy and corruption, of cronyism run amok. . . It is everything our founders were afraid of, everything our Constitution was designed to prevent.'' Actually, our Constitution grants Congress the power to prevent these ills but Hillary and her colleagues weren't up to the task.
Our founders' legacy did not stop Hillary from voting for the Patriot Act and then supporting its renewal in 2006 despite revelations that the government was using it to infringe on the very liberties that our founders held sacred. Where was her commitment to our founders when she voted to gut our habeas corpus protections?
Huffington Post - June 25, 2007
Hillary "CACKLIN'" Clinton:GINN: Wow! Clinton puts him away with a roundhouse Patriot Punch to the head!
I despise terrorism and the nihilism it represents. Those helping terrorists would face the "wrath" of the US.
Source:Her Way, by Jeff Gerth & Don Van Natta, p.240-241 Jun 8, 2007
Mondo: Damn, Ginn. Gravel almost had her til she wrapped herself in the flag. Good defense by Clinton--and good offense, too! But everybody loves an underdog; "The Invisible Man" almost pulled a stunner here today. He just couldn't overcome those Clinton low blows. But you have to hand it to Hillary. She knew what she had to do to win and she got it done. I thought it would be hard to top the Giuliani-Hunter slugfest, but this was action-packed from the bell!
GINN: This one was certainly a treat for the casual fan of Ultimate Political Cage Match action. Looks like the judges' have a decision. And I'd like to remind our viewers that the judges decisions are FINAL!
[JUDGES DECISION: Hillary "CACKLIN" Clinton over Mike "INVISIBLE MAN" Gravel 2-0; one judge scored it a draw.]
GINN: Clinton's the winner! She'll take on the winner of Bill "Close Encounters" Richardson and "Judicial Joe" Biden in the Quarterfinals. That's it for this Round 1 action. Hillary came out on top. Be sure to be here for our next match: Mitt "The Maulin' Mormon" Romney vs Mike "The Heartless" Huckabee.
MONDO: Until then, have a safe trip back home and remember--the early bird gets the worm.
by Mondoreb & Little Baby Ginn
Clinton low blows by Snopes
PREVIOUS FIRST ROUND ACTION:
Rudy "The Mayor of Mayhem" Giuliani vs. Duncan "Dunkin' Death" Hunter
This has been a Death By 1000 Papercuts Political Death Production. No portion of it may be rebroadcast, reproduced or put on the back of a cereal box without the express written consent of DBKP.
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