The Honorable Mike Huckabee
Dear Mr. Huckabee:
As a woman of faith and woman of size I believe in only the right, moral things in life. As a man of faith and a former man of size, I am sure you can relate.
Our country and party is currently at a crossroads. Due to events beyond our control, insane forces have overtaken our party and have chosen an evildoer as our presumptive nominee for President in 2008. Those of use who are true conservatives find ourselves sharing a moment of sorrow with our Lord and Savior from 1 Chronicles 1:25.
John McCain claims that he is the natural choice for Commander Guy, because he has the experience, which will keep us save from the Islamofanaticfascistterristas. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Having a man like John McCain as President is not going to protect the country if we piss off the Almighty. I mean that is why we were attacked in the first place, because of abortion, gays, and the ACLU. I mean that’s what Jerry Falwell said, and I believed him, even though God decided to take him from us because of his love of fatty, fatty food.
God will punish us all for voting for John McCain, who believes not only in evolution, but also in global warming, and gravity. It does my heart good to hear that not only don’t you do math, but that you do do miracles. Can you also promise not to do science, medicine, or polemic philosophy?
At least with you we can be assured there won’t be any gay bathroom sex. You can assure us of that, can’t you? Never mind, let’s just stick to don’t ask, don’t tell, shall we?
And what a refreshing thing it will be to have your wife as the First Lady. For far too long, First Ladies have been refined and beautiful. With your wife we will finally have a first lady who represents real American women: fat, ugly, and as flat chested as an eight-year-old.
And no one really cares about your son hanging stray dogs. I mean who hasn’t hanged a stray dog in their youth? At least he didn’t do drugs. You can assure us of that, can’t you? Oh, never mind.
So I urge you to run as a conservative for the Conservative Party of America (CPA). Please don’t let the initials scare you. We promise not to make you do math. With Jesus doing the tallying of the votes, courtesy of Diebold, we have nothing to do but plan the inaugural balls. Sorry, I didn’t mean to use profanity like that. I meant to say dances. Oh, I forgot. Dancing is a sin. To avoid controversy and the wrath of God, let’s just agree to have inaugural quiltings and spelling bees.
The CPA will be comprised of the best from all the political parties and spectrums in this great nation. From the social conservatives, who believe in the infallibility of The Bible and the fallibility of physics, to the Southerners, who hold on to tradition—you know, the kind that was to egregiously taken from us by the Thirteenth Amendment.
Together, fundamentalists and first amendmentalists will join hands with the neo Cons and the neo Nazis. The parties of Lincoln and Reagan will combine forces with the parties of Thurmond and Davis. United we will be unstoppable.
Praise Jesus and burn the Constitution!
And just like the crowds cheered for another Son of the South, who also had deficiencies in the counting sciences, crowds will soon call out to you “Run, Hucky, Run!”
As a life-long Republican, I can no longer sit idly by and watch as John McCain sucks the life blood out of my party like some kind of vampire or bad porn actress.
The time has come to act. Some men are born to greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon them. And still others fall ass backwards into greatness like a pile of dog shit on the sidewalk. You sir, are of the latter group. God is calling, and so is your nation.
We await your announcement with great anticipation.
Blanca Elizabeth DeBree
Want to read more Blanca? Here are other recent posts from the BlancaSphere:
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by Blanca DeBree
Source: Open Letter to Mike Huckabee
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