Thanksgiving Funny Turkeys: DBKP Gives Thanks for Humor

Thanksgiving Funnies




Thanksgiving Humor Even a Turkey Could Appreciate

---

And to help you digest, the funniest Thanksgiving program ever, from another 4 letter enterprise. WKRP.




“As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!”
— Arthur Carlson, WKRP in Cincinnati





Happy thanksgiving from those here DBKP.



Mondo, LBG, RidesAPaleHorse, pat, Trench, Luscious P, Babba Zee





by pat/Mondo
images:
* myspacegraphicsandanimations

Signs: Two Best DBKP Wheeling Road Trip Signs

Signs, Signs, Everywhere a Sign
The Two Best Signs from
DBKP RoadTrip #2: Wheeling, WV




Two signs: both real, both from our Labor Day weekend DBKP Road Trip #2 to Wheeling, WV and Washington, PA.

The sign above warned us not to park in the affected lot.

We almost expected to see another sign, "PUMA Valet Parking", nearby.




Sign #2 was about 5 miles outside of Wheeling at Allen Grove Presbyterian Church.

It was politely decided not to inquire any further.


by Mondoreb
images: DBKP

George Carlin Quotes: 30 Observations by Carlin

"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."



* If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.


* Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.


* Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.


* The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.


* Always do whatever's next.


* When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.


* Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.


* Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

ALSO at DBKP: * George Carlin: Comedian Dead at 71 * George Carlin: Twelve Amusing Questions by Carlin * George Carlin Quotes: 30 Observations by Carlin

* When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.


* Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.


* Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


* You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.


* One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.


* One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.


* I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.


* Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.


* Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.


* May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.


* I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.


* Women like silent men; they think they're listening.


* I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."


* I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.


* Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.


* I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.


* If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.


* I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.


* There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.


* The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.


* Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.


by Mondoreb
Sources:
* George Carlin Quotes
* George Carlin Quotes
* lesliehawes

Fun with Balloons and a Car

Can you imagine this guy going 90 mph on his way to Dallas with these balloons trailing a few yards behind him?

Instructions for a fun time on the interstate.. ......... ....

Step 1. Tie balloons to car.
Step 2. Drive like a bat out of hell....
Step 3. Watch people freak out!!!!

Fun with Balloons: it's just not about animals anymore.

by RidesAPaleHorse
image: hillcountrychurch; RAPH
Source: The Most Fun You Can Have with a Car, Some Balloons, and 60 Miles of Interstate


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Actual Court Transcripts: They Said What?

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you serious? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like
to rephrase that?
________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
________________________________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doct or?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

Ok...this was just too good to pass up.

by RidesAPaleHorse
image: RAPH
Source: Disorder in the American Courts
Actual Court Transcripts: They Said What?


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Bill Clinton: 1992-2000 in His Own Words

14 Bill Clinton Quotes to Start the Day Right

Bill Clinton, variously referred to as "Bubba", "Boy President" and "The Man from Hope", has recently been traveling the country stumping for his wife, Hillary.

Bill, fondly recalls the 1990s as a time that the country was at peace and all was right with the world. We understand his views: we're natural optimists ourselves.

However, we also understand fuzzy memories, so here's a look at 1992-2000 in the words, spoken at that time, from our 42nd president, Bill Clinton.

On the Importance of Time: "It wasn't my finest hour. It wasn't even my finest hour and a half." -–Bill Clinton, after giving an endless nominating speech for Michael Dukakis at the 1988 Democratic convention On Archeology: "You know, if I were a single man, I might ask that mummy out. That's a good-looking mummy." -—Bill Clinton, looking at "Juanita," a newly discovered Incan mummy on display at the National Geographic museum Progress in Housing and Urban Development: "Last year, the vice president launched a new effort to help make communities more liberal." -—Bill Clinton, during his 2000 State of the Union Speech. He meant to say "more livable," and then made the same slip-up in a subsequent sentence, drawing uproarious laughter from Republicans "I don't know whether it's the finest public housing in America or the crown jewel of the American penal system." -–Bill Clinton, on the White House On the position of First Lady: "You'd think he was running for First Lady." -–Bill Clinton, on George H. W. Bush's criticism of Hillary Clinton On Drug Policy: "When I was in England, I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn't like it. I didn't inhale and never tried it again." -–Bill Clinton On Regulatory Reform: "I asked him to do it because he was the only person that I could trust to read all 150,000 pages in the Code of Federal Regulations." -–Bill Clinton, on asking Vice President Al Gore to tackle federal regulatory reform On Media Matters: "Look, half the time when I see the evening news, I wouldn't be for me, either." –-Bill Clinton, in 1995, on a pre-campaign swing through Montana and Colorado "What's a man got to do to get in the top fifty?" -–Bill Clinton, reacting to a survey of journalists that ranked the Monica Lewinsky scandal as the 53rd most significant story of the century On the English language: "It depends on what the meaning of the words 'is' is." -–Bill Clinton, during his 1998 grand jury testimony on the Monica Lewinsky affair "It depends on how you define alone…" –Bill Clinton, in his grand jury testimony On Pimping his Ride: "It was a real sort of Southern deal. I had AstroTurf in the back. You don't want to know why, but I did." -–Bill Clinton, reminiscing about a pickup truck he once owned On Fashion: "Usually briefs." -–Bill Clinton, asked during a 1994 MTV town meeting whether he wore boxer shorts or briefs On Summing Up His Presidency: "I may not have been the greatest president, but I've had the most fun eight years." –Bill Clinton

Some may have forgotten, some may be too young to remember, but that was the Clinton Presidency, in Bill's own words.

Couldn't have said it any better.

by Mondoreb

ALSO:
HRC's Platform for Dummies: 10 Hillary Quotes

[image: Cox & Forkum]
Source: Funny Bill Clinton Quotes



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Fire Sale

Click on ad to enlarge

by RidesAPaleHorse
[graphic: RAPH]



Death by 1000 Papercuts Front Page.

25 Funny Headlines:

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

6. Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

11. Bush Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death

14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

16. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

17. War Dims Hope for Peace

18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Some chuckles a day...

[graphic & headlines supplied by:RidesAPaleHorse]



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